


I Love You. I'm Sorry.

by areyoutherelarry



Series: WolfStar Canon Compliant [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Book 3: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Hand Jobs, M/M, Oral Sex, Post-Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Reunion Sex, Reunions, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-18
Updated: 2020-01-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:34:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22298668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/areyoutherelarry/pseuds/areyoutherelarry
Summary: Weeks after Sirius and Remus are reunited in the Shrieking Shack, Sirius and Remus reunite alone as a couple at Remus's cottage.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, wolfstar - Relationship
Series: WolfStar Canon Compliant [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1605091
Comments: 8
Kudos: 88
Collections: Harry Potter - Remus Lupin centric, Remus/Sirius





	I Love You. I'm Sorry.

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own these characters nor do I plan to profit off of these characters. 
> 
> This shower/bath concept, for some unknown reason, has taken hold of me, and I couldn't let it go. I've also been relistening to the Harry Potter series and got to thinking about the lives of the characters that are only addressed in their relationship to Harry.

Remus has been beating himself up for weeks now. How could he have forgotten the Wolfsbane? How could he have forgotten when he knew that Peter Pettigrew was roaming the halls of Hogwarts? His heart shatters at the thought of it all. Sirius and Peter and Harry and Hermione and Ron and… Sirius. Oh Sirius. It had been so wonderful to see his old friend even in his battered state and to know now that Sirius hadn’t done it. He’d always felt the prospect of Sirius being a murderer wrong, but there’d been evidence at least partially and Remus had believed it. He’d never visited Sirius in Azkaban; his stomach drops at how that must’ve made Sirius feel, knowing what he knows now.

As he ruminates further, he realizes that beating himself up is going to be a regular thing now. Not that he’d ever been kind to himself, but regret is weaving into him like his lycanthropy. He has so many regrets: not believing in Sirius, not paying more attention, not looking for Peter, not fighting for contact with Harry or Sirius. He could go on, but it just makes his heart hurt. He wishes he’d been the one to be accused. Sirius would’ve never stopped fighting for him, and with his lycanthropy, he’d have been the better choice to rot away in Azkaban.

Dumbledore, bless the man, is still providing him with Wolfsbane even though he’s been ran out of Hogwarts (though he knows he might’ve blown that out of proportion). He takes it now, now he remembers, and sits down in the backyard. He is ready for the transformation. The Wolfsbane doesn’t extricate the pain, but it makes the experience so much more bearable. The transformation is it’s normal banal, excruciating self. He’s so used to it now that he just prepares for the long evening out in the woods behind his cottage.

He is nestled into a pile of leaves when he hears a rustling that sounds almost deliberate. It isn’t the humdrum of these tame woods; something is watching him. The hair on his back stands up, his hearing sharpens, and he waits.

A large black dog appears. Remus can feel his ears flatten against his head in response, but he’d know that black dog anywhere even as mangy and emaciated as it is. Sirius, Sirius is right in front of him. Knowing that Sirius had previously been able to communicate with him even while they were in these states, he focuses on calling out to him. Sirius had only ever been able to do Legilimency with Remus and James in their werewolf/animagus forms, and only if they’d made a concerted effort to reach out too.

“ _Sirius, Sirius, Sirius,”_ Remus calls out in his head, making eye contact with the dog’s piercing orbs.

“ _Moony,”_ A voice calls softly.

“ _I’m sorry,”_ Remus repeats in his head over and over and over again. Anguish, despair, and guilt begin to roll off of him in droves.

_“I can’t,”_ the voice says, and this sends Remus into a further panic. He can’t what exactly. Forgive Remus? Understand Remus? Love Remus?

But then the dog is bumping his snout under Remus’s chin, and he thinks maybe he just meant he couldn’t communicate anymore or couldn’t handle the emotions Remus’s brain is riddled with. Sirius nuzzles him, and he wants to scoff at the gesture, but it’s so damn pleasant that he does it back. They do it for awhile; two animals nuzzling against each other, playing, and showing affection in a way that Remus doesn’t think they could in human form anymore. Finally, Remus goes and lies back down on his pile of leaves; after all, the transformation has still taken a lot out of him.

After Remus finds a comfortable spot, Sirius curls into and around him, intertwining their canine bodies. Remus finds himself more at peace, more himself, in this moment in his most hated form than he has in years. He feels it again: the reach for contact, so he opens himself up. Sirius is breathing at a similar pace and it feels like kindredness and love. It feels like home.

Remus wakes up when gentle fingers brush his forehead. Sirius has already covered Remus with his robe. Remus sits up and slowly climbs to his feet; he clenches the robe tighter around him. Sirius is smiling gently, and it pulls an equally gentle smile out of Remus.

“It’s okay, my love,” Sirius says. “It’s not your fault.”

Remus lets out a sob and falls into Sirius’s open arms. Remus can’t stop the tears; he’s wracked with emotions. Emotions he couldn’t exhibit in front of vulnerable teenagers that he was bound and determined to protect. He appreciates Sirius saying that with such sincerity, but guilt still rips rampantly at his gut. Sirius holds him unwaveringly, the tight grip never loosening and the ardent words of tenderness never ceasing until Remus can pull himself into a semblance of a wizard.

“Sirius, you’re too kind, but I could’ve...” Remus begins, but the firm press of Sirius’s mouth against his lips interrupts him. Remus is surprised. After all this time, after all the heartbreak, after all the betrayal, this still feels extraordinarily right. It had been so new and tender before Sirius had been sent away; Remus, in his darkest days, sometimes believed it was a fever dream, an imagining of a wish of happiness that he ultimately didn’t deserve.

Remus grips Sirius’s ragged shirt and holds on for dear life. He’s afraid that if he lets go, he’ll faint, or, worse, Sirius will disappear like he has in so many of Remus’s dreams.

Sirius ends the kiss and clutches Remus’s face in his hands. His eyes are sunken but alive. His skin is pallid and covered in dirt. His body is emaciated. But he’s still Remus’s Sirius. His eyes still have that spark, still have the uncanny ability to make Remus want to turn away from them and blush or swim unwaveringly in their depths.

“Let’s go inside,” Sirius urges, “I know how you like a bath and shower after a full moon.”

Sirius links their fingers together and pulls Remus towards the cabin. They get inside and stand in the main room for quite some time just staring at each other. Remus itches to apologize again, but the crying had added to the soreness in his body and he wants to avoid that pain at all costs. He starts to head towards the bathroom as Sirius seems to head to the kitchen, probably to make tea.

“Join me,” Remus requests suddenly, not thinking through the implications of these words but going off desperation and wanton need.

“Remus,” Sirius responds; his eyes cloud with lust and doubt.

“It won’t be the first time,” Remus counters.

Sirius grins at this fact; his eyes flash with both desire and humor.

“You could use a bath as well,” Remus insists.

Sirius chuckles at this and bows his head in agreement, walking towards and then following behind Remus into the bathroom. Remus hands Sirius his wand that he’d picked up on their way into the bathroom. Sirius had always been better at charms than Remus. Sirius does the enlargement charm on the bathtub silently; a small smirk appears on his face at his deftness even after being rid of a wand for so long. With another small flick of the wand, the tub begins to fill with steaming water. Remus proffers his hand and Sirius reluctantly places the wand into it.

“I’ve missed that; I’ve missed this; I’ve missed you,” Sirius lists as Remus charms Epsom salt and essential oils to pour the perfect amount into the tub.

“Very muggle of you,” Sirius comments.

“As effective or more as the least expensive Wizard potion,” Remus defends, leaving the “ _which you know I can’t afford”_ off the end. Sirius smiles.

They stand there again as the bathroom fills with steam and the calming smell of lavender and sandalwood. Remus is suddenly shy and somewhat regretful. He doesn’t know what Sirius will think of him and his body. He’s never had a body worth worshipping, but Sirius had. Sirius had treated him like Adonis. The body that he’d had then isn’t the body that he has now. He’s more scarred and has developed a weird mixture of middle-aged body and scragginess.

Sirius is looking at him calculatingly now. “You can’t possibly be embarrassed.”

Remus huffs in response; he clutches the robe closer even though he’s certain that Sirius has already seen him naked today. This is different. 

“I’ve been in Azkaban, Remus; I’m covered in grime, death, and misery. I’m skin and bones and dirt.”

“I don’t look the same.”

“Neither do I.”

“That doesn’t matter to me.”

“Me either.”

“You’ll be back to your usual self soon,” Remus worries, “I won’t ever be.”

Sirius laughs at this, “This is quite daft, Moony. I’ve always loved you. Holding onto us got me through.”

Sirius looks exasperated but authentic, and Remus is hit again by how hard Sirius would’ve fought for him if they’d been in opposite positions. He wraps the robe tighter around him. Sirius’s face realizes the effect his words have had and he looks disconcerted.

“Remus, no, that’s not what I meant. It wasn’t a jab, love. I promise it wasn’t,” Sirius assures and caresses Remus’s cheek. Remus flinches a little as Sirius touches him.

“I’ll go,” Sirius says and pulls away. Remus’s heart drops, and his mind races. As much as his stomach swoops in fear, it more ardently swoops with lust and love when he thinks about soaking in a tub with Sirius.

“No, stay,” Remus declares. Sirius turns around slowly, and when he’s finally facing Remus with a cautious look on his face, Remus drops the robe. It pools at his feet, and Sirius neither grimaces nor turns away. He beams and bustles toward Remus. Remus closes his eyes to keep the shame at bay, to not flinch again. His eyes flutter open when Sirius kisses his collarbone.

“You’re lovely Remus. Lovely Lupin,” Sirius declares sincerely. Remus can feel the heat that rises to his cheeks.

“Thank you,” Remus responds. Sirius smiles and reaches his arms above his head. Remus grabs the bottom of Sirius’s tattered top and pulls it over Sirius’s head. Sirius pushes the bottoms down, and they’re both standing in front of each other naked. Remus suddenly gets a burst of confidence and cradles Sirius’s face, kissing him reverently. Sirius mirrors him and holds Remus’s face in his palms.

“Come now before it gets cold,” Sirius intones.

“Didn’t you charm it?”

“I tried,” Sirius chuckles, “but I’m a bit out of practice.”

The water is a perfect temperature as Remus dips his toe into the tub. He slides into the tub and the water envelopes his body soothingly. He sighs contentedly and reaches out a hand to help Sirius in. Remus hadn’t realized how fragile looking Sirius is. Remus is scared he’s going to get hurt and what would they do. A bloody escaped convict can’t just show up to St. Mungo’s. He holds onto Sirius’s hand tightly until he’s soaking across from him in the enlarged tub. Sirius also lets out a deep sigh of serenity. They bathe there; eyes fluttering between open and closed in gentle patterns. Sirius reaches out again for Remus’s hand and they loosely grasp the other’s fingers. When Remus finally opens his eyes to focus on Sirius, there are tears splashing from Sirius’s face into the tub.

“Hey,” Remus shushes. He maneuvers himself so that he can wipe away Sirius’s tears and query, “Sirius, what is it?” 

“Is this real?” Sirius asks; his hand reaching out to grip Remus’s.

“Yes,” Remus promises, “Yes, yes, yes.”

Sirius cries harder; his whole body shakes and curls into Remus’s. Remus holds him tightly even as his muscles protest, making soft noises and pressing kisses into Sirius’s skin. Sirius’s sobs gradually turn into hiccups. Remus brushes his hair away from his face and kisses his forehead.

“Let me wash you,” Remus requests, and Sirius nods his acquiescence.

Remus gently moves Sirius to sit between his legs. He cradles Sirius as he pours water over his head, lathers his hair and then his body with soap, and rinses him fully. When he’s done, Sirius falls back into Remus’s body, pressing more of his body into Remus and wedging his head under Remus’s chin. Sirius tilts his head up and nips Remus’s jaw. He then puts laving kisses in the same spots. And even though Remus is old and exhausted, he’s not that old or exhausted.

His body reacts to Sirius’s caresses. The arousal swirls in his belly before descending. He’s hard, and there’s no way that Sirius hasn’t noticed. Sirius turns to face him and frames Remus’s hips with his knees. Sirius kisses Remus more fervently now; his tongue reaching out to taste in Remus’s mouth. He grips Remus’s waist and pushes him back, kissing even more feverishly.

“My beautiful, perfect Remus,” Sirius says between kisses, and Remus feels a tizzy inside of himself. Sirius’s kisses become sloppier, he tweaks Remus’s nipples, and finally he drops his hand to Remus’s dick. Remus releases a guttural moan that he didn’t know was harboring in his lungs. With one hand, Sirius pumps Remus’s dick; with the other hand, Sirius tugs on Remus’s hair to expose his neck, which Sirius then proceeds to nip at, followed by laving said nips with his tongue. With these ministrations, it doesn’t take Remus long to fall over the cliff. He clutches Sirius’s hips as the waves of his orgasm crash through him. When he opens his eyes, it’s to Sirius with the most lascivious smirk on his face. 

“Thank you,” Remus says for lack of anything better to say.

Sirius throws back his head and cackles but finally relaxes enough to kiss Remus again. This time is more romantic, and Sirius slowly curls into Remus’s lap. Remus reaches down to Sirius’s half-hard dick to return the favor, but Sirius bats his hand away.

“I think I’ll pass out if you do that here, so we should move it to your room before we try. I don’t want to pass out in the tub; it’ll make me all slippery to carry. I’d like to pass out in the bed thank you.”

“You think I’ll be that good after all this time?” Remus teases.

“No I think I haven’t eaten in days,” Sirius jokes back.

“Then we’ll eat first,” Remus declares.

“Like hell we will,” Sirius challenges.

“Sirius,” Remus warns.

“I’m a grown man; I’ll decide if I want an orgasm or a biscuit first, not you.”

“Well, all right,” Remus isn’t committed to this argument. He wants nothing more than to provide Sirius with every pleasure he can muster. “But let’s get out and make it quick.”

“Remus Lupin, I swear to god if after thirteen years you give me a subpar orgasm, I will hex you into oblivion.”

Remus chortles into Sirius’s neck, “Yes, sir.”

Sirius shivers and still climbs out of the tub. Remus nearly grimaces at the gauntness of him. He’s no longer dirty, so the way that his bones protrude from his skin is even more obvious. Remus’s heart aches even as it expression elation at the contact. Sirius picks up Remus’s wand and casts a drying charm on them and Sirius walks arse-naked to Remus’s bedroom. Remus follows him with a grin that stretches his cheeks beyond his believed ability.

Sirius lies in the middle of Remus’s bed. Remus smiles at his unwavering confidence. Sirius gazes at him with lust in his eyes. His face while skeletal is still beautiful; his eyes while sunken are still full of spark. Remus straddles Sirius’s hips; he examines Sirius’s body. He can count Sirius’s ribs and see all the new scars that he doesn’t think were there the last time.

“I don’t tend to be insecure, but the scrutiny is unnerving me, Moony,” Sirius teases, but Remus can hear the bit of sincerity laced into the statement.

“You’ll always be the most beautiful man in the world to me,” Remus assures as he leans forward to kiss Sirius again.

“There are fitter blokes out there that aren’t made of brittle bones and bruises.”

“But I don’t want them.”

Sirius grins, “I thought you were going to return the favor, so we could eat.”

“Don’t rush me, Black.”

“Don’t call me that.”

Remus smirks and kisses down Sirius’s chest. He kisses every scar and bone that he passes carefully, reverently. Sirius rests his hands on the top of Remus’s thighs and gives gentle squeezes, Remus realizes, when he’s a bit self-conscious.

He’s fully erect now though and Remus wantonly beams up at Sirius who blushes a little. It was always Remus’s greatest pride when he could get Sirius to blush; he had been more of a novice than Sirius in the sex department. Remus sucks gently at the soft skin on Sirius hips leaving symmetrical hickeys on Sirius’s skin.

“You always were so into marking me,” Sirius remembers.

“Wolf,” Remus responds.

“I’m sure that’s what you’d like to blame it on,” Sirius teases as he weaves his fingers into Remus’s hair, trying to guide him to his dick, “Not on your own possessive tendencies.” 

“Are you trying to get me to your cock, Sirius?”

“Only a suggestion.”

Remus looks skeptically at him but still bends down and licks Sirius’s dick from balls to tip. Sirius lets out a shrill gasp, and Remus smirks into Sirius’s thigh.

“I can feel that,” Sirius complains, kicking Remus in the arse with his foot.

“Blimey, I can’t tell if you want to get sucked off or not,” Remus torments.

“Get to it then.”

Remus hasn’t blown anyone since Sirius thirteen years ago. Nobody has wanted him that he knows of, and he hasn’t wanted anybody else either. He starts off slow because he’s out of practice and he wants to savor this moment especially if they don’t get another one like it. He licks Sirius’s dick and then blows air on it to hear Sirius moan and watch him twitch. He laves the tip and fiddles with his balls. Sirius is shaking now, incoherently murmuring. Remus finally takes Sirius into his mouth, and Sirius shrieks. Sirius’s hand tightens in Remus’s hair, and he pushes Remus down a little too roughly. Remus pulls away sputtering with tears sprouting in his eyes.

“Sorry,” Sirius mumbles; his eyes are blown wide and his chest heaves.

“No, you’re not,” Remus responds but goes back to where he was, reaching for Sirius’s hand to place back onto his head, maybe he’s a masochist.

“Fuck,” Sirius whines and bucks his hips a little. Remus is ready this time and pins Sirius’s hips before he gags too much. While Remus hasn’t done this in a while, he remembers what Sirius likes, he remembers to create suction with his cheeks, and he remembers to pay extra special attention to Sirius’s slit. It doesn’t take long for Sirius to be tensing and spurting into Remus’s mouth. Remus swallows it all down because it keeps him from having to clean up. He crawls to the top of the bed and Sirius blinks up at him bleary-eyed.

“You didn’t pass out,” Remus observes.

“Disappointed, Moony?”

“A little bit, Padfoot.”

Remus pulls Sirius into his embrace, tucking Sirius’s head underneath his chin and weaving their limbs together.

“Accio duvet,” Remus summons, and the worn duvet spreads over them and falls. Sirius shimmies deeper into the mattress and closer to Remus. While Remus has always been taller than Sirius, Sirius was usually the protector. He feels with Sirius’s fragile state their roles are reversed here. They fall into a peaceful sleep. They awake as Sirius tosses and turns, mumbling incoherently.

“Sirius, wake up,” Remus commands, shaking Sirius’s shoulder.

“Remus, o thank the gods, Remus,” Sirius murmurs.

“Are you hungry?” Remus asks.

“Yes,” Sirius replies.

They eat a small dinner of soup and bread that Remus has gotten quite adept at making.

“This is delicious,” Sirius comments as he goes for his third bowl.

“Thank you,” Remus responds as he watches Sirius eat, quite content with his two bowls. They split a chocolate bar for dessert, and Sirius grins at the nostalgia. James had always been the one to suggest that Remus, or any of them really, eat a candy bar when he’d looked peaked. They revel in the company, in the sheer joy and pleasantness of being together. They watch Remus’s tiny muggle television and kiss lazily. This is what they had always wanted, but it had always had a looming expiration date. As the sun sets, Remus goes out to the woods where Sirius directs him and feeds Buckbeak.

They climb into Remus’s bed that night, feeling so right, but with this notion that this is temporary and fleeting because it can’t work.

“What are we…” Remus begins.

“Not right now, just a few more hours,” Sirius pleads and Remus drops it. They curl into each other once more and Sirius smells like Remus’s soap and home and magic and chocolate and love and fear. Remus knows that the morning will break this; it will have to; they’re not allowed to be happy for too long. Remus has learned that the hard way so many times.

Remus wakes to Sirius gazing at him; he smiles at him when Remus’s eyes flutter open. Sirius’s face drops into a solemn expression, “I have to go, you know.”

“No, stay here. We’re isolated here. Everything will be fine.”

“I can’t allow you to harbor a fugitive, Remus.”

“I don’t care; they’re wrong about you anyways.”

“I can’t let you go to Azkaban, or worse, for me. Some people don’t even consider you worthy of Azkaban. I can’t do that to you,” Sirius cajoles.

The truthfulness of Sirius’s words sting, but Remus doesn’t care. He needs Sirius.

“Stay,” Remus pleads.

“Please,” Sirius begs, “Please don’t be mad. Please let me go. I promise, I promise I’ll do everything to make sure we can end up back together. I want that too Remus. I do. I never thought I would have you again. Please let’s not taint this day we’ve shared. It will last me at least another few weeks; it will have to.”

“I can’t lose you, not when I’ve just gotten you back. That’s cruel,” Remus roars.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I couldn’t stay away. I knew this would happen, but I couldn’t stay away,” Sirius cries.

Remus instantly deflates, “I didn’t mean…I know. I know.”

“I can’t allow it,” Sirius repeats.

“I know.”

“With all my heart, Remus, I love you.”

“I love you. I’m sorry.”

Sirius doesn’t stay much longer. Remus keeps grabbing him for desperate kisses, but Sirius slowly progresses to the door. Remus sends him with a sack of food and so many kisses and love bites. Sirius holds on tightly to Remus for quite some time as the sun sets. They part with promises, and Remus hopes they’re enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Any feedback is always appreciated!!


End file.
